Hello!
My name is Freddy!
To make you understand me and to help you know me, i will now share my life story as it was before age 25.
The story might jump abit here and there and i reserv the right to be stupid and forget/remeber wrong :P!
I will try to fill in more info over time and also correct stuffs!
I was borned in uppsala 1988.
My parents seperated at 1990.
I moved around ALOT with my mom.
I got a sister, and a brother later on, and ever more later on 2 more sisters.
The first time i saw how sick my mom accualy was, was when she passed out infront of me, i think i was 6.
Already at that time i have a good analystic brain and i took it calm and cheacked so she breathed.
I even calculated at age 6 that it must be to little blood in her head (wich turned out to be true, she has a weak heart)
I didnt feel anything special about his, but saw it for what it was, never did i think that "ow, this shit is wack, i should probality be sad right now".
My mom passed out 10-20 times each day, and i had to be near so i could start up her heart + make her breathe again.
Yet again nothing i reflected over as something bad, and trust me i have some realy good laught about theese situations today.
Dont get me wrong ;P but imagine when i had friends home, my mom passed out, stopped to breathe, heart stop, my friends are screaming that she died, and i scream back "shut up, im almost done killing this boss" xD.
They didnt realize that it was my life and i had very little friends who came over to visit me at home, people was scared.
We had assistents at our house 24/7 who helped with everything, and THAT is one of the mayor parts why i cant live a normal life today.
They didnt teach me to cook food, how to clean a house, how to wash my self and alot more.
So i dont have that "auto programmed" in my head and today i dont care about cleaning and showering..
But i was smart, i have always been kinda smart.
At first grade i became a teacher after 2 month because they didnt have any more stuff to give me.
At second grade they wanted to move me up to fifth grade, but my mom wanted me to change to a closer school, and they "didnt do that".
So i was realy realy REALY fucking understimulated in school.
I remeber when i had 1 week to do my first math homework, and when i turned in the paper together with the full mathbook that i had done because i was boored.
I had to be a teacher alot, because there just wasnt anything for me to do, so i hade to correct people and stuff like that..
So i started to hate school early on.
So sure i was this smart, smelly and wierd kid and ofc i got bullied after third grade, and i have been an "outcast" ever since, always hard to adept in and i always had to hang out with other outcast.
My two best friends here was 1 year older and 1 year younger, both had alcoholic parents, and we was all outcast and partly bullied.
At age 12 i took a small bisycle (for kids in age 7-9) and i just ride it to my father, and that was a trip in 50 kilometers..
It took me almost all day, but i knew the way and when my father got home from work he saw me sitting on the balcony and laughed, and he knew i was gona sit there when my mom called and told him i was missing.
So i moved home to my dad after that.
I have a realy good dad! nothing bad about him and he would have raised me good if he had the chanse...
But i was broken already, and i was the first child so my dad didnt know how to handle it i guess.
He tried to turn me straight, and get good values in life but i just wasnt ready for that.
But i started to go to school and almost instantly i became a victim of bullies.
We humans can sence when someone is weak, and we attack it by nature, i dont judge ANYONE who have ever bullied me.
Its all about how you grew up and how your parents are etc, they dont realize that they do wrong, and we are way to new to this mass society and havnt found a good way to stop this yet.
But i started to hang out with skinsheads and nazis, same here, they were the outcasts and it was the only place i could turn.
Umm i want to say that i never went hostile towards others, but i have this picture in my head when i chase an imigrant kid in the same age screaming "get the fuck out nigger"... (it wasnt unprovoced and i had my reasons to chase him)
Nothing im proad of today, but nothing i am ashamed of either.
It was based on my friends and my life, and i thought i did right back then.
But this ended fast!
I still hanged out with my friends, but i didnt share their values on imigrants.
And neither did they accualy, we was kids and had no idea what we was talking about, we just claimed to something that kept us together.
Anyway after highschool its time for the gymnasium (after the first 9 years in school), and i didnt get in even thoe i had great scores in thoose 4 subjects i choose to study at the end (because i skipped school most of the time, but got an offer to come back with fewer subjects)
Swedish, english, society, math.
So i went boored of school again and started to run downtown to see whats up.
It was my friends birthday and we ofc decided to drink some beers, but he had them with him on the morning, and we started to drink before school started.
And yeah from A to Z i ended up quitting school only to drink everyday insteed.
I ended up becomming a goth kid and later a punk rocker, and sex drugs rock 'n roll was what i shouted around all day, i didnt do drugs (i smoked weed once when i was 12, loved it ever since!) and sex ha! yeah sure xD me back then not a chanse haha.
Now me and a friend was realy drunk one night, and we both missed the last bus home.
We went down under a bridge and we slept there.
When i woke up i started to drink again, and i missed the bus yet again and i decided to sleep on the grass.
I now realized how free i was! i could go to sleep anywere, and drink anytime!
And i honestly just send a mail to everyone in my family saying "Hey, i found this new thing called homeless, its awesome im gona try it, done be mad" end of message...
Yupp ;) they loved me back then i guess!
My sister didnt talk to me, my dad didnt understand whats happening, but my grandmother accepted it if i promise to see her often so she could buy me Kebab and give me a little bit of money.
I later became scared of this, because i realize that i cant stop drink, and i asked people who are sending people to rehab what to do.
After that meeting i lived on a rehab home for 9 month, and they had no idea what to do with alcoholic kids, they was a home for girls with trouble at home....
I was the first guy there and i ("smart" as i was) trolled them hardcore by pointing out how lonely i felt with 14 girls, and that i needed soem boy stuff to do.
They bought me a *computer room, *a gaming consol room, *A gym, *A pingpong table and some more stuffs.
So i just chilled all days and did what i wanted.
So that was a waste of 9 month ofc! i came out and i have a little bit of trouble remebering what happened next...
Hmm i moved home to my dad abit i think, but i ended up running away only to drink and live on the streets again.
After 4 years o drinking i realized that this shit is shit! how can such shit even be legal?
And i stopped to drink as mush as i did, and turned to weed insteed.
Lovely drug that should be legalized.... but im not gona turn this into a conversation about weed and its benefits ;)
But yeah i smoked weed everyday, and some alcohol time to time, and still lived on the street.
And i felt good, realy good, i was free, i didnt have any drug problems with the alcohol anymore, and i got to see new people EVERYDAY!
I love people, and i love how we work and how we think we are all special and "not an animal at all".
But we are so easy to predict, and i started to study how people behave on every person i met!
I became quite famous to help people solve their everyday problems like love problems etc, and i was just telling them the truth, straight up, and they was happy about it and kept loving eachother like nothing have happened!
How could they miss such obvious things themself i wondered quite often...
But i became quite social, and i could socialize with anyone, even if i didnt share anything with that person, i just loved to learn new stuff, and i loved to hear a persons story!
So yeah, i was again homeless and happy about it.
I did not need to worry about cleaning my room, going to school, getting a job and stuff like that.
I could simply just smoke weed everyday and meet new people, and there was nothing i wanted to do more!
This was my avarage day, i woke up under a tree, i went to a shelter for homeless people and got some food, and if they yelled at me for smelling i also took new clothes that people donated there.
I walked around and smoked and meet new people, or sat with my friends at our favorit places.
I walked around alot in sweden, and just saw new places, went to festivals etc but always ended up in sweden.
And after awhile i ended up at another rehab (but forced by law because i was a "danger to myself").
I might possible be the only one in the world who have been forced by law because i "smoke to mush".....
Yupp.... and this goverment is gona protect us against wars and poority!
But hellyeah the cannabis politics are just so awesome xD!
After six month i came out again, and they gave me an aparment.
I could keep that aparment for 2-3 month or so, then i just blackouted as usual and got soo fucking boored.
So yupp, i moved out on the streets again, and once again i was happy :)!
But this time i found a place to live!
You remeber that bridge i talked about that i passed out under?
I moved in there for 3 years xD, it was a perfect place isolated from the wind, and it was alot of metal that got hot during the days, so it was like a sauna in there sometimes ;P
It was MY place, and people respected it, i had all my stuff in there, but everyone who hanged out there on our favorit spot just outside knew it was my stuff, and i even had people sleeping over time to time.
They even called me and asked if they was allowed to sleep there, if i wasnt around to ask.
But one day i sat by myself just smoking a spliff, when my friend saw my and said hello.
He had a guy with him that i never meet before, and as usual i was eager to say hello to a new person.
He intreduced himself as Magnus and we started to talk, he was a realy nice guy, a typical smart "geek" :P!
Then he saw what i was smoking, and asked how it was, i explained what i think about cannabis and he asked if he could smoke, so i gave him the joint and we talked for some hours after that.
We said goodbye later on and i crawled under my bridge to sleep.
The next day i sat at the same place, and Magnus came down there again and asked if i had more.
I said as long as there is money, there is weed!
And he sat down and smoked again, and from that day he moved in under the bridge with me xD!
So i had a soulmate and we smoked alot and we became realy good friends.
We started to sell weed since it was hard to support two smokers, and we did quite good.
So or 1 year here my life was just to run from spot to spot and smoke a joint with friends, and sell them some weed, only to run away to the next spot and meet new people who wanted to buy.
One day i walked around in my old neighboorhoods in Uppsala, and i walked past a balcony that i stopped and looked at.
There was something familiar with it! i could swear i have passed out just inside that balcony!
But i could not remeber who it was who lived there, so i knocked on the window and my old childhood friend opened!
He let me in and we talked old memories etc etc until dark, and i slept over at his place.
I woke up and Magnus called and wondered where i was, so i told him to come and meet my friend.
We were all three gaming geeks and we all smoked, and my friend called his best friend who also came over.
So we was now 4 people sitting and smoking and playing games, one on the ps3, on one a laptop, on one the computer, and one who couched us all, and we took turns :P
We decided to sleep over again, and the same thing next day, 4 people, lots of smoke, lots of gaming :P
And yeah... we did that for 1 year straight xD
Most epic with this story is that just before we came there, Fredrik (the guy who lived there) had meet a girl online.
And they loved eachother and got together without seeing eachother!
And after we had lived there for 2 weeks she came down to visit him, and after some cuddeling etc they decided to move in with eachother.
Worth to mention that this aparment was a one roomer ;P and it started to get realy crowded xD
So after like 1-2 weeks this girl asked like "So yeah... when are you going home?" and we told her that we was homeless and just hanged out here because we like our friends.
She like "ok..." but dropped it there.
But after a couple of 3-4 month she started to ask like "soooo.... how long are you gona stay? and Fredrik when are you going to fix a job?" (we lived on me selling weed), and we said we didnt know.
This girl loved that guy so fucking hard xD seriusly that is true love xD
She w8ted one fucking year for us to leave xD
4 guys smoking spliffs after spliffs after spliffs, just giggeling and playing computers and gaming consols xD!
Omg she must have been to happy when we finaly moved out xD
But the reason why i moved out is something that turned my world up side down.....
Someone called me and asked to buy weed, he asked if i could come to the bar where he was and i told him to meet em halfway outside in a park.
So when i get there i did not visit any weedbuyer.. but there was a couple of cops hiding in the shadows under a tree..
So yupp, i was busted and lost everything i had on me, and that was smoke for over 500 dollar..
So now im standing here without smoke, and no money to pay my dealer....
I always buy on "pay-when-done-selling" agreedment, and it was no problem for thoose 2-3 years.
But the reason the police called me was because they just cought him, so he was in trouble with even bigger money, to people you dont wanna own money...
I was going out from the shop after buying food for us, and went around the corner when i feel a big boom, and i can feel how my jaw is crushed.
I look back and a huge fucking guy stands and screems "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MONEY?".
Im chocked and trying to focus while my jaw hurts and i tell him that its the wrong person, i have never seen you before!
He tells me that he bought my debt and was now in charge of thoose money.
I told him that me and my dealer had a agreement on 3 month to pay it.
But this guy didnt listen and just beated me up even more and claimed that i now owed him 2500 dollar (from a 500 dollar debt o.O) and that he will add 1000 dollar each day i cant pay.
So i realized i have a psychopath after me, and there is nothing i can do.
I know alot of gang people, but no one who have heard of him, and they dont wanna jump in and gamble with a psychopath without me paying (ofc i dont judge them, i played the game i have to play by the rules).
So i did the only thing i could do :s
I asked to get into another rehab as far away from there as possible, and i told them "this is real, i want to quit".
On every rehab i had i always said "i wont quit, im just taking a brake because you force me to it", so they realized i was serius about quitting.
So i took the decision that "ok this is it", im gona become normal!
I was ready, i was mature for it, but this fucking rehab system in sweden is fucked up, and alot of golddiggers starts rehab home.
And ofc.. when i finaly was ready i came to one of thoose places.........
But yeah, i didnt listen to them, since i told them yet again "drugs is not my problem, its a hobby, you have to FIX me", and they was like wuuut?
They more or less tried to convince me that drugs WAS my problem, only because that was what they had material for.. and they didnt care to mush of the outcome.
Disclaimer, the staff who worked there are the best staff there is, old junkies who have quitted and wanted to help.
But not even they could help without proper material, and since the boss over that rehab was more eager to find more junkies to throw in there insteed of fixing us, it was a big fail for everyone.
Yeah, that rehab home had good friends, and good people working there, but a bad boss.
but i am used to rehab homes who only care for money,,, thoose are the only places i have been unlucky enough to come to :<.....
But i was ready to fix my life so i had to take care of it on my own, so i started to go to school so i could study psycologi.
Seriusly YOU should do the same, even if you dont have any problem.
To know exactly how people and yourself work is the best life tool you can ever have.
And with this new knowledge i started to look into myself and wonder why and how i do this.
I know people, i can solve peoples trouble etc, but i have never before focused on myself.
I also started to work, and its quite awesome how i got that job ^^
A guy who lived on that rehab had been studied and "test working" for 6 month.
On monday he was going to get that full time job that he had been fighting for.
However on friday he could not take the stress, popped some pills and ran away only to never come back to the rehab.
So i knew there was a place who looked for work, and i knew it was about taking care of people since thats what he studied.
So i fixed a lunchbox and just simply walked there on monday.
"Hi im Freddy, sorry but Max wont work here because he ran away"
She looked at me and said something like "ooh ok, well ofc!" and she took up a paper for me to sign o.O
It took me 2 minutes and i got the job and she told me to go thrue a door and start working.
And i did... i went into that door, and there i stood.. with no frikking idea what i was suppose to do xD
There was elder people everywhere and some other staff memebers who ran around.
So i stopped a woman who worked there and told her i got the job.
She told me "great" and you can start there.
I told her i have no idea what kind of job i have gotten, and what i am supposed to do xD
So they let me run with the older staff for 2-3 days before i could take care of it on my own ^^
It was a wonderfull job :)
But DAAAAMN it was hard!
When you are thinking of working with elderly people, do you as i did, thinking of great moments of talking while eating kilos after kilos with candy and other stuff?
Hell no i can tell you -.-
You should run into person X, take him up, shower him, take him on toilet, dress him, give him brakefast, then run to person Y and Z to do the same.
When this is done you simply start over, because now person X need to be fed etc.
And it keeps going like this allll day long ;P
I passed out when i got home and my feet was hurting like never before ;P
But what a lovely job ^^ so fun with older people, they are so kind (most of them) :P
But yeah, i stopped to work there when they didnt need me anymore and at this point i think i already got my aparment.
So i started to study in school because i wanted to work with elder people again.
But i cant do it, i cant study, im so boored of it... its some mental blockage i have that just wont brake.
As fast as i look into a book to study, my brain just walks away.
Its not like i dont understand what is written, but i just simply hate to study.
But i fought there, and i realy realy tried... BUT!
Haha!
My friend got a job as a personal assisten to a guy who could not move.
It turned out that this guy smokes weed 24/7, and it was a part of your job to roll joints (and *cought* maybe smoke with him) ;)..
MY DREAM JOB! seriusly?! smoking WEED at WORK?! and get PAID FOR IT?! WHERE DO I SIGN!=!=!=!=?!!?!?!111!!++??1?!
So my friend talked to his boss and that guy called me.
"hi you wanna work?"
"yeah i heard that it was a good job and i wanted to apply"
"so, are you clean after your rehab?"
Haha what to say here xD it was a boss, but i knew he was cool (SINCE he also had been on that rehab).
So i told him yes i smoke weed everyday, and he say "great! your hired".
That was the criterias to get the job xD
"wanna get high?" YES "good your hired!".
haha xD
I had the job of my life! taking care of people AND smoke weed haheahaehaehomeohmoamhoaemhoaemh!!!!!!!
Yes i dropped school the same day.... ;)
Now it turned out that this fucking piece of shit (may he rest in peace, even him...) was an idiot (the guy we took care of).
48 assistents on 18 month had quitted....
I tried. i realy did lol. i tried to ignore him, just as long as i could smoke on the job!
But i just could not, and i quitted after 2 month...
So yeah i have dropped school and didnt have any rights to get any more study money because of that....
So i was back at square 1 again.
The plan was that i was going to have an "after rehab"...
That was atleast the PLAN, but once again it was a bitching golddigging cunt company who lied to the goverment (who pays them).
And there was nothing like that + they allowed me to smoke weed everyday again.
They didnt care, they got money!
So yeah, after 1 year in that apartment i was going to get the contract on it (it was on the rehab atm) and ofc this cunt fucking asshole Jonas Lindqvist (if u find that cunt and record while you slap him ill give you a cake, and im sure most of thoose i lived with then would do the same) screwd that.
He knew for 1 year that i was smoking everyday, and he didnt care.
But when i was going to get the contract they saw how they would loose on it, and ofc ran down to the guy they rented the aparment from, "he is smooking! dont give him the contract!".
So yeah, i didnt get the contract because they screwd me over that hard.
This is how all rehabs i have been on works.....
So i had nothing again.
After fighting or 2 years, putting my trust in one company, they screwd me over.
So i bought a tent and camping kitchen and stuffs like that (most of thoose items that i have today when im going to travel).
I fell good living there, but the problem was that i was realy weak.
I was crushed by what that rehab company had done + now i had all the time in the world to sit in my tent and use the psycologi knowledge on myself.
The preasure of this was almost crushing me completly....
And just before the snow came, i got the flu...
I ran in and out from my tent, shit and puke everywhere, i had no money to food, i had no money to drugs to chill me down.
So i ran to the hospital and said do something or i sucide right here infront of you.
They took me down to the mental section and i got to see a doctor.
"So what is the problem?", he said.
"Nothing realy, but this is my life", and i told him.
He understood that i realy needed to just get inside to get a meal and a warm bed, so he looked at me and said.
"It looks like you have a realy high social phobia, does it feel hard to be around people?".
"Yeah *cought* sometimes its overwhelming with all people around me".
"Yeah i thought so, sorry but i have to insist that you live here or 1 week so we can find out more!"
Haha <3
Lovely people who cares!
So yeah, he faked that i was sic and let me sleep there for 1 week.
And it sure was a vacation i needed!
I fixed some money for smoke and i sat in there, smoking and thinking about my life.
After 1 week i had a plan, i was going to re-establish my contact with my mother, move in with her and start a new life.
It was perfect since i had no friends there, i didnt know any druggies, it was outside on the country side without the stress, and i had a place to live.
So i moved there and sat at the computer for like 1 year.
But again my mom is a bitch, and she always focus herself infront of others and are ready to sacrifice her own kids.
I dont even think she understand this, she is plain stupid sometimes.
So i could not live there because she got something grills in her head that wasnt even true, and its impossible to tell a mentaly ill person that shes wrong...
But i had just gotten a "test work", so i atleast got money rom the goverment.
And i was lucky since it was a motel i lived in, so when i came with all the bags after raging on my mom, telling them "im homeless, i need to go to uppsala and i cant work anymore".
They said that i ofc are welcome to live there as long as i want.
So i moved into that motel and i worked some few hours eachday with fixing lamps, cutting grass etc etc.
It was a chill job.
But i wanted a real job, but no idea what intrest i accualy had more then elder people.
But the goverment said they need forrest workers and that they pay my education.
I accepted that and i learned how to handle a umm... not chainsaw... you cut smaller treest, its like a pole with a cirkle saw on the end, you understand?
Well anyway i found a guy who wanted to hire me but he wanted me to test work for 1 month.
I said ofc and i started to work.
I ran in that fucking snow in the middle of the winter as a newbie...
I cutted forrest and ran around with that machine.
And i was a NERD! a gaming nerd lol!
i didnt have the muscles for that, but i fighted anyway because it was a job.
Once again im always the lucky one, and he ripped me off...
He never planned on hire me from the first place, but i worked 1 month for free....
So i started to smoke chemicals everyday, because i simply could not handle it anymore..
There was no light or anything..
Everyone is fucking me over because they know my background and that im weak.
Over and over again, all my fucking life...
People traking advantage of the little man who cant fight back.
Bullies, bosses, goverments doesnt matter, they are all ready to screw you over..
But under this forrest education i meet a guy who lived in the same town as me, and he has his own company.
And one day he came home to me and said he need a worker.
I was gona cut forrest until the grass started to grow, then he had 96 houses that hired him to cut their grass.
So i cutted grass day 1, day 2, day 3, day 15, day 20, day 27, and on and on and on and on and fucking on again!
Fuckkkkk!
Is this life?
All the time?
Does it ever change?
Do i need to go to this fucking booring job everyday, just so i can get home and sit at the computer and smoke weed and pay for my apartment?
its to booring! i cant stand it!
Gratz to you who can! but i cant! its so fucking boooooooring!
And i mentaly broke down again, i just putted down my tools and walked home without telling, and i fled to my friends for 1 week.
Ofc i had to hurt my knee here -.-
KINDA my own fault! but im not sure! im still looking for someone to blame!
We need to find the person who got me to drink that mush, and smoke that mush, and sit in the sauna so long, and made me run out towards the lake, jumped up ready for a splash, curled up to a ball for the BIG SPLASH, only to make a kinda to late discovery about the water.....
it was 1 feet deep...............
Me curled as a ball landed straight on my leg with all my weight + i twisted it wrong.
When i got back after that week i could not work because of the knee..
But i atleast was welcomed back, because my boss know what i have done in my life, and he felt with me.
And after 2 weeks my leg was fine and i went back to work, but duuuude again so boooring!
All i could think of was "should i sucide, should i quit, should i lay down oin the ground until someone does something to help me?" WHAT should i do?!?!?!?
WHY cant i FUCKING live a NORMAL fucking LIFE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
If you can find the answear im yours forever!
So yeah!
Here we are!
I moved out from my aparment, i quitted my job, i took my backpacks with the camping stuffs, and i walked away...
Now i am at my grandmothers place to chill abit.
But now it takes abit of time because she want to fix vaccine and insurances etc for me.
But after that i will to 95% walk out of sweden, into a new world.
Maybe my inner fire, my visions, my dreams, my life, myself is hiding somewhere out there..
I have no idea realy :'/
I just know that i cant live this life here, not now, i dont have anything that motivates me.
But how should i survive out there?
I have so little cash..
Then i started to think of this blog, and the youtube channel.
Maybe i could earn money that way, maybe i could share my life and see if there is anyone who wanna follow my blogs.
And at the same time, maybe i could walk around all over the world to ask how people are doing, post this on youtube and hopefully decrease the racism abit!
If people only saw with their own eyes, without the media, how people are accualy doing around the world, maybe it would open up the heart of people who have missunderstood them.
Is it possible?
For me to fight racism and travel around doing what i want AT THE SAME TIME as i could generate money?
Now that would be a job i WANTED to work with!
So yeah, here i am, sitting and writing this to let you know why i do this, and who i am.
Im abit scared now tho... the reality of what im about to do is starting to grow in me...
What if i fail because i get ebola and die?
What if i fail because someone robs me, and stabs me while i try to fight back?
What if i fail because my money runs out and i starv to death?
What if i succed and find a reason to life???
I rather live 1-12 month out there, trying to catch a distant dream, then staying here for 50-70 years without having one..
Thats my story from age 0-26.
Now lets make 26-X realy awesome :)!
I love you all!!
Du lärde dig att leva under rädsla konstant, rädslan att din mamma skulle dö när som helst. Till slut kände du dig bara trygg när du va rädd.
Bli inte för fast vid någon, innan de negativa kommer. För det klarar du inte av. Och de kan dö, vilket betyder att man ska vårda dom man vill va med under tiden man lever. OSV!
My name is Freddy!
To make you understand me and to help you know me, i will now share my life story as it was before age 25.
The story might jump abit here and there and i reserv the right to be stupid and forget/remeber wrong :P!
I will try to fill in more info over time and also correct stuffs!
I was borned in uppsala 1988.
My parents seperated at 1990.
I moved around ALOT with my mom.
I got a sister, and a brother later on, and ever more later on 2 more sisters.
The first time i saw how sick my mom accualy was, was when she passed out infront of me, i think i was 6.
Already at that time i have a good analystic brain and i took it calm and cheacked so she breathed.
I even calculated at age 6 that it must be to little blood in her head (wich turned out to be true, she has a weak heart)
I didnt feel anything special about his, but saw it for what it was, never did i think that "ow, this shit is wack, i should probality be sad right now".
My mom passed out 10-20 times each day, and i had to be near so i could start up her heart + make her breathe again.
Yet again nothing i reflected over as something bad, and trust me i have some realy good laught about theese situations today.
Dont get me wrong ;P but imagine when i had friends home, my mom passed out, stopped to breathe, heart stop, my friends are screaming that she died, and i scream back "shut up, im almost done killing this boss" xD.
They didnt realize that it was my life and i had very little friends who came over to visit me at home, people was scared.
We had assistents at our house 24/7 who helped with everything, and THAT is one of the mayor parts why i cant live a normal life today.
They didnt teach me to cook food, how to clean a house, how to wash my self and alot more.
So i dont have that "auto programmed" in my head and today i dont care about cleaning and showering..
But i was smart, i have always been kinda smart.
At first grade i became a teacher after 2 month because they didnt have any more stuff to give me.
At second grade they wanted to move me up to fifth grade, but my mom wanted me to change to a closer school, and they "didnt do that".
So i was realy realy REALY fucking understimulated in school.
I remeber when i had 1 week to do my first math homework, and when i turned in the paper together with the full mathbook that i had done because i was boored.
I had to be a teacher alot, because there just wasnt anything for me to do, so i hade to correct people and stuff like that..
So i started to hate school early on.
So sure i was this smart, smelly and wierd kid and ofc i got bullied after third grade, and i have been an "outcast" ever since, always hard to adept in and i always had to hang out with other outcast.
My two best friends here was 1 year older and 1 year younger, both had alcoholic parents, and we was all outcast and partly bullied.
At age 12 i took a small bisycle (for kids in age 7-9) and i just ride it to my father, and that was a trip in 50 kilometers..
It took me almost all day, but i knew the way and when my father got home from work he saw me sitting on the balcony and laughed, and he knew i was gona sit there when my mom called and told him i was missing.
So i moved home to my dad after that.
I have a realy good dad! nothing bad about him and he would have raised me good if he had the chanse...
But i was broken already, and i was the first child so my dad didnt know how to handle it i guess.
He tried to turn me straight, and get good values in life but i just wasnt ready for that.
But i started to go to school and almost instantly i became a victim of bullies.
We humans can sence when someone is weak, and we attack it by nature, i dont judge ANYONE who have ever bullied me.
Its all about how you grew up and how your parents are etc, they dont realize that they do wrong, and we are way to new to this mass society and havnt found a good way to stop this yet.
But i started to hang out with skinsheads and nazis, same here, they were the outcasts and it was the only place i could turn.
Umm i want to say that i never went hostile towards others, but i have this picture in my head when i chase an imigrant kid in the same age screaming "get the fuck out nigger"... (it wasnt unprovoced and i had my reasons to chase him)
Nothing im proad of today, but nothing i am ashamed of either.
It was based on my friends and my life, and i thought i did right back then.
But this ended fast!
I still hanged out with my friends, but i didnt share their values on imigrants.
And neither did they accualy, we was kids and had no idea what we was talking about, we just claimed to something that kept us together.
Anyway after highschool its time for the gymnasium (after the first 9 years in school), and i didnt get in even thoe i had great scores in thoose 4 subjects i choose to study at the end (because i skipped school most of the time, but got an offer to come back with fewer subjects)
Swedish, english, society, math.
So i went boored of school again and started to run downtown to see whats up.
It was my friends birthday and we ofc decided to drink some beers, but he had them with him on the morning, and we started to drink before school started.
And yeah from A to Z i ended up quitting school only to drink everyday insteed.
I ended up becomming a goth kid and later a punk rocker, and sex drugs rock 'n roll was what i shouted around all day, i didnt do drugs (i smoked weed once when i was 12, loved it ever since!) and sex ha! yeah sure xD me back then not a chanse haha.
Now me and a friend was realy drunk one night, and we both missed the last bus home.
We went down under a bridge and we slept there.
When i woke up i started to drink again, and i missed the bus yet again and i decided to sleep on the grass.
I now realized how free i was! i could go to sleep anywere, and drink anytime!
And i honestly just send a mail to everyone in my family saying "Hey, i found this new thing called homeless, its awesome im gona try it, done be mad" end of message...
Yupp ;) they loved me back then i guess!
My sister didnt talk to me, my dad didnt understand whats happening, but my grandmother accepted it if i promise to see her often so she could buy me Kebab and give me a little bit of money.
I later became scared of this, because i realize that i cant stop drink, and i asked people who are sending people to rehab what to do.
After that meeting i lived on a rehab home for 9 month, and they had no idea what to do with alcoholic kids, they was a home for girls with trouble at home....
I was the first guy there and i ("smart" as i was) trolled them hardcore by pointing out how lonely i felt with 14 girls, and that i needed soem boy stuff to do.
They bought me a *computer room, *a gaming consol room, *A gym, *A pingpong table and some more stuffs.
So i just chilled all days and did what i wanted.
So that was a waste of 9 month ofc! i came out and i have a little bit of trouble remebering what happened next...
Hmm i moved home to my dad abit i think, but i ended up running away only to drink and live on the streets again.
After 4 years o drinking i realized that this shit is shit! how can such shit even be legal?
And i stopped to drink as mush as i did, and turned to weed insteed.
Lovely drug that should be legalized.... but im not gona turn this into a conversation about weed and its benefits ;)
But yeah i smoked weed everyday, and some alcohol time to time, and still lived on the street.
And i felt good, realy good, i was free, i didnt have any drug problems with the alcohol anymore, and i got to see new people EVERYDAY!
I love people, and i love how we work and how we think we are all special and "not an animal at all".
But we are so easy to predict, and i started to study how people behave on every person i met!
I became quite famous to help people solve their everyday problems like love problems etc, and i was just telling them the truth, straight up, and they was happy about it and kept loving eachother like nothing have happened!
How could they miss such obvious things themself i wondered quite often...
But i became quite social, and i could socialize with anyone, even if i didnt share anything with that person, i just loved to learn new stuff, and i loved to hear a persons story!
So yeah, i was again homeless and happy about it.
I did not need to worry about cleaning my room, going to school, getting a job and stuff like that.
I could simply just smoke weed everyday and meet new people, and there was nothing i wanted to do more!
This was my avarage day, i woke up under a tree, i went to a shelter for homeless people and got some food, and if they yelled at me for smelling i also took new clothes that people donated there.
I walked around and smoked and meet new people, or sat with my friends at our favorit places.
I walked around alot in sweden, and just saw new places, went to festivals etc but always ended up in sweden.
And after awhile i ended up at another rehab (but forced by law because i was a "danger to myself").
I might possible be the only one in the world who have been forced by law because i "smoke to mush".....
Yupp.... and this goverment is gona protect us against wars and poority!
But hellyeah the cannabis politics are just so awesome xD!
After six month i came out again, and they gave me an aparment.
I could keep that aparment for 2-3 month or so, then i just blackouted as usual and got soo fucking boored.
So yupp, i moved out on the streets again, and once again i was happy :)!
But this time i found a place to live!
You remeber that bridge i talked about that i passed out under?
I moved in there for 3 years xD, it was a perfect place isolated from the wind, and it was alot of metal that got hot during the days, so it was like a sauna in there sometimes ;P
It was MY place, and people respected it, i had all my stuff in there, but everyone who hanged out there on our favorit spot just outside knew it was my stuff, and i even had people sleeping over time to time.
They even called me and asked if they was allowed to sleep there, if i wasnt around to ask.
But one day i sat by myself just smoking a spliff, when my friend saw my and said hello.
He had a guy with him that i never meet before, and as usual i was eager to say hello to a new person.
He intreduced himself as Magnus and we started to talk, he was a realy nice guy, a typical smart "geek" :P!
Then he saw what i was smoking, and asked how it was, i explained what i think about cannabis and he asked if he could smoke, so i gave him the joint and we talked for some hours after that.
We said goodbye later on and i crawled under my bridge to sleep.
The next day i sat at the same place, and Magnus came down there again and asked if i had more.
I said as long as there is money, there is weed!
And he sat down and smoked again, and from that day he moved in under the bridge with me xD!
So i had a soulmate and we smoked alot and we became realy good friends.
We started to sell weed since it was hard to support two smokers, and we did quite good.
So or 1 year here my life was just to run from spot to spot and smoke a joint with friends, and sell them some weed, only to run away to the next spot and meet new people who wanted to buy.
One day i walked around in my old neighboorhoods in Uppsala, and i walked past a balcony that i stopped and looked at.
There was something familiar with it! i could swear i have passed out just inside that balcony!
But i could not remeber who it was who lived there, so i knocked on the window and my old childhood friend opened!
He let me in and we talked old memories etc etc until dark, and i slept over at his place.
I woke up and Magnus called and wondered where i was, so i told him to come and meet my friend.
We were all three gaming geeks and we all smoked, and my friend called his best friend who also came over.
So we was now 4 people sitting and smoking and playing games, one on the ps3, on one a laptop, on one the computer, and one who couched us all, and we took turns :P
We decided to sleep over again, and the same thing next day, 4 people, lots of smoke, lots of gaming :P
And yeah... we did that for 1 year straight xD
Most epic with this story is that just before we came there, Fredrik (the guy who lived there) had meet a girl online.
And they loved eachother and got together without seeing eachother!
And after we had lived there for 2 weeks she came down to visit him, and after some cuddeling etc they decided to move in with eachother.
Worth to mention that this aparment was a one roomer ;P and it started to get realy crowded xD
So after like 1-2 weeks this girl asked like "So yeah... when are you going home?" and we told her that we was homeless and just hanged out here because we like our friends.
She like "ok..." but dropped it there.
But after a couple of 3-4 month she started to ask like "soooo.... how long are you gona stay? and Fredrik when are you going to fix a job?" (we lived on me selling weed), and we said we didnt know.
This girl loved that guy so fucking hard xD seriusly that is true love xD
She w8ted one fucking year for us to leave xD
4 guys smoking spliffs after spliffs after spliffs, just giggeling and playing computers and gaming consols xD!
Omg she must have been to happy when we finaly moved out xD
But the reason why i moved out is something that turned my world up side down.....
Someone called me and asked to buy weed, he asked if i could come to the bar where he was and i told him to meet em halfway outside in a park.
So when i get there i did not visit any weedbuyer.. but there was a couple of cops hiding in the shadows under a tree..
So yupp, i was busted and lost everything i had on me, and that was smoke for over 500 dollar..
So now im standing here without smoke, and no money to pay my dealer....
I always buy on "pay-when-done-selling" agreedment, and it was no problem for thoose 2-3 years.
But the reason the police called me was because they just cought him, so he was in trouble with even bigger money, to people you dont wanna own money...
I was going out from the shop after buying food for us, and went around the corner when i feel a big boom, and i can feel how my jaw is crushed.
I look back and a huge fucking guy stands and screems "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MONEY?".
Im chocked and trying to focus while my jaw hurts and i tell him that its the wrong person, i have never seen you before!
He tells me that he bought my debt and was now in charge of thoose money.
I told him that me and my dealer had a agreement on 3 month to pay it.
But this guy didnt listen and just beated me up even more and claimed that i now owed him 2500 dollar (from a 500 dollar debt o.O) and that he will add 1000 dollar each day i cant pay.
So i realized i have a psychopath after me, and there is nothing i can do.
I know alot of gang people, but no one who have heard of him, and they dont wanna jump in and gamble with a psychopath without me paying (ofc i dont judge them, i played the game i have to play by the rules).
So i did the only thing i could do :s
I asked to get into another rehab as far away from there as possible, and i told them "this is real, i want to quit".
On every rehab i had i always said "i wont quit, im just taking a brake because you force me to it", so they realized i was serius about quitting.
So i took the decision that "ok this is it", im gona become normal!
I was ready, i was mature for it, but this fucking rehab system in sweden is fucked up, and alot of golddiggers starts rehab home.
And ofc.. when i finaly was ready i came to one of thoose places.........
But yeah, i didnt listen to them, since i told them yet again "drugs is not my problem, its a hobby, you have to FIX me", and they was like wuuut?
They more or less tried to convince me that drugs WAS my problem, only because that was what they had material for.. and they didnt care to mush of the outcome.
Disclaimer, the staff who worked there are the best staff there is, old junkies who have quitted and wanted to help.
But not even they could help without proper material, and since the boss over that rehab was more eager to find more junkies to throw in there insteed of fixing us, it was a big fail for everyone.
Yeah, that rehab home had good friends, and good people working there, but a bad boss.
but i am used to rehab homes who only care for money,,, thoose are the only places i have been unlucky enough to come to :<.....
But i was ready to fix my life so i had to take care of it on my own, so i started to go to school so i could study psycologi.
Seriusly YOU should do the same, even if you dont have any problem.
To know exactly how people and yourself work is the best life tool you can ever have.
And with this new knowledge i started to look into myself and wonder why and how i do this.
I know people, i can solve peoples trouble etc, but i have never before focused on myself.
I also started to work, and its quite awesome how i got that job ^^
A guy who lived on that rehab had been studied and "test working" for 6 month.
On monday he was going to get that full time job that he had been fighting for.
However on friday he could not take the stress, popped some pills and ran away only to never come back to the rehab.
So i knew there was a place who looked for work, and i knew it was about taking care of people since thats what he studied.
So i fixed a lunchbox and just simply walked there on monday.
"Hi im Freddy, sorry but Max wont work here because he ran away"
She looked at me and said something like "ooh ok, well ofc!" and she took up a paper for me to sign o.O
It took me 2 minutes and i got the job and she told me to go thrue a door and start working.
And i did... i went into that door, and there i stood.. with no frikking idea what i was suppose to do xD
There was elder people everywhere and some other staff memebers who ran around.
So i stopped a woman who worked there and told her i got the job.
She told me "great" and you can start there.
I told her i have no idea what kind of job i have gotten, and what i am supposed to do xD
So they let me run with the older staff for 2-3 days before i could take care of it on my own ^^
It was a wonderfull job :)
But DAAAAMN it was hard!
When you are thinking of working with elderly people, do you as i did, thinking of great moments of talking while eating kilos after kilos with candy and other stuff?
Hell no i can tell you -.-
You should run into person X, take him up, shower him, take him on toilet, dress him, give him brakefast, then run to person Y and Z to do the same.
When this is done you simply start over, because now person X need to be fed etc.
And it keeps going like this allll day long ;P
I passed out when i got home and my feet was hurting like never before ;P
But what a lovely job ^^ so fun with older people, they are so kind (most of them) :P
But yeah, i stopped to work there when they didnt need me anymore and at this point i think i already got my aparment.
So i started to study in school because i wanted to work with elder people again.
But i cant do it, i cant study, im so boored of it... its some mental blockage i have that just wont brake.
As fast as i look into a book to study, my brain just walks away.
Its not like i dont understand what is written, but i just simply hate to study.
But i fought there, and i realy realy tried... BUT!
Haha!
My friend got a job as a personal assisten to a guy who could not move.
It turned out that this guy smokes weed 24/7, and it was a part of your job to roll joints (and *cought* maybe smoke with him) ;)..
MY DREAM JOB! seriusly?! smoking WEED at WORK?! and get PAID FOR IT?! WHERE DO I SIGN!=!=!=!=?!!?!?!111!!++??1?!
So my friend talked to his boss and that guy called me.
"hi you wanna work?"
"yeah i heard that it was a good job and i wanted to apply"
"so, are you clean after your rehab?"
Haha what to say here xD it was a boss, but i knew he was cool (SINCE he also had been on that rehab).
So i told him yes i smoke weed everyday, and he say "great! your hired".
That was the criterias to get the job xD
"wanna get high?" YES "good your hired!".
haha xD
I had the job of my life! taking care of people AND smoke weed haheahaehaehomeohmoamhoaemhoaemh!!!!!!!
Yes i dropped school the same day.... ;)
Now it turned out that this fucking piece of shit (may he rest in peace, even him...) was an idiot (the guy we took care of).
48 assistents on 18 month had quitted....
I tried. i realy did lol. i tried to ignore him, just as long as i could smoke on the job!
But i just could not, and i quitted after 2 month...
So yeah i have dropped school and didnt have any rights to get any more study money because of that....
So i was back at square 1 again.
The plan was that i was going to have an "after rehab"...
That was atleast the PLAN, but once again it was a bitching golddigging cunt company who lied to the goverment (who pays them).
And there was nothing like that + they allowed me to smoke weed everyday again.
They didnt care, they got money!
So yeah, after 1 year in that apartment i was going to get the contract on it (it was on the rehab atm) and ofc this cunt fucking asshole Jonas Lindqvist (if u find that cunt and record while you slap him ill give you a cake, and im sure most of thoose i lived with then would do the same) screwd that.
He knew for 1 year that i was smoking everyday, and he didnt care.
But when i was going to get the contract they saw how they would loose on it, and ofc ran down to the guy they rented the aparment from, "he is smooking! dont give him the contract!".
So yeah, i didnt get the contract because they screwd me over that hard.
This is how all rehabs i have been on works.....
So i had nothing again.
After fighting or 2 years, putting my trust in one company, they screwd me over.
So i bought a tent and camping kitchen and stuffs like that (most of thoose items that i have today when im going to travel).
I fell good living there, but the problem was that i was realy weak.
I was crushed by what that rehab company had done + now i had all the time in the world to sit in my tent and use the psycologi knowledge on myself.
The preasure of this was almost crushing me completly....
And just before the snow came, i got the flu...
I ran in and out from my tent, shit and puke everywhere, i had no money to food, i had no money to drugs to chill me down.
So i ran to the hospital and said do something or i sucide right here infront of you.
They took me down to the mental section and i got to see a doctor.
"So what is the problem?", he said.
"Nothing realy, but this is my life", and i told him.
He understood that i realy needed to just get inside to get a meal and a warm bed, so he looked at me and said.
"It looks like you have a realy high social phobia, does it feel hard to be around people?".
"Yeah *cought* sometimes its overwhelming with all people around me".
"Yeah i thought so, sorry but i have to insist that you live here or 1 week so we can find out more!"
Haha <3
Lovely people who cares!
So yeah, he faked that i was sic and let me sleep there for 1 week.
And it sure was a vacation i needed!
I fixed some money for smoke and i sat in there, smoking and thinking about my life.
After 1 week i had a plan, i was going to re-establish my contact with my mother, move in with her and start a new life.
It was perfect since i had no friends there, i didnt know any druggies, it was outside on the country side without the stress, and i had a place to live.
So i moved there and sat at the computer for like 1 year.
But again my mom is a bitch, and she always focus herself infront of others and are ready to sacrifice her own kids.
I dont even think she understand this, she is plain stupid sometimes.
So i could not live there because she got something grills in her head that wasnt even true, and its impossible to tell a mentaly ill person that shes wrong...
But i had just gotten a "test work", so i atleast got money rom the goverment.
And i was lucky since it was a motel i lived in, so when i came with all the bags after raging on my mom, telling them "im homeless, i need to go to uppsala and i cant work anymore".
They said that i ofc are welcome to live there as long as i want.
So i moved into that motel and i worked some few hours eachday with fixing lamps, cutting grass etc etc.
It was a chill job.
But i wanted a real job, but no idea what intrest i accualy had more then elder people.
But the goverment said they need forrest workers and that they pay my education.
I accepted that and i learned how to handle a umm... not chainsaw... you cut smaller treest, its like a pole with a cirkle saw on the end, you understand?
Well anyway i found a guy who wanted to hire me but he wanted me to test work for 1 month.
I said ofc and i started to work.
I ran in that fucking snow in the middle of the winter as a newbie...
I cutted forrest and ran around with that machine.
And i was a NERD! a gaming nerd lol!
i didnt have the muscles for that, but i fighted anyway because it was a job.
Once again im always the lucky one, and he ripped me off...
He never planned on hire me from the first place, but i worked 1 month for free....
So i started to smoke chemicals everyday, because i simply could not handle it anymore..
There was no light or anything..
Everyone is fucking me over because they know my background and that im weak.
Over and over again, all my fucking life...
People traking advantage of the little man who cant fight back.
Bullies, bosses, goverments doesnt matter, they are all ready to screw you over..
But under this forrest education i meet a guy who lived in the same town as me, and he has his own company.
And one day he came home to me and said he need a worker.
I was gona cut forrest until the grass started to grow, then he had 96 houses that hired him to cut their grass.
So i cutted grass day 1, day 2, day 3, day 15, day 20, day 27, and on and on and on and on and fucking on again!
Fuckkkkk!
Is this life?
All the time?
Does it ever change?
Do i need to go to this fucking booring job everyday, just so i can get home and sit at the computer and smoke weed and pay for my apartment?
its to booring! i cant stand it!
Gratz to you who can! but i cant! its so fucking boooooooring!
And i mentaly broke down again, i just putted down my tools and walked home without telling, and i fled to my friends for 1 week.
Ofc i had to hurt my knee here -.-
KINDA my own fault! but im not sure! im still looking for someone to blame!
We need to find the person who got me to drink that mush, and smoke that mush, and sit in the sauna so long, and made me run out towards the lake, jumped up ready for a splash, curled up to a ball for the BIG SPLASH, only to make a kinda to late discovery about the water.....
it was 1 feet deep...............
Me curled as a ball landed straight on my leg with all my weight + i twisted it wrong.
When i got back after that week i could not work because of the knee..
But i atleast was welcomed back, because my boss know what i have done in my life, and he felt with me.
And after 2 weeks my leg was fine and i went back to work, but duuuude again so boooring!
All i could think of was "should i sucide, should i quit, should i lay down oin the ground until someone does something to help me?" WHAT should i do?!?!?!?
WHY cant i FUCKING live a NORMAL fucking LIFE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
If you can find the answear im yours forever!
So yeah!
Here we are!
I moved out from my aparment, i quitted my job, i took my backpacks with the camping stuffs, and i walked away...
Now i am at my grandmothers place to chill abit.
But now it takes abit of time because she want to fix vaccine and insurances etc for me.
But after that i will to 95% walk out of sweden, into a new world.
Maybe my inner fire, my visions, my dreams, my life, myself is hiding somewhere out there..
I have no idea realy :'/
I just know that i cant live this life here, not now, i dont have anything that motivates me.
But how should i survive out there?
I have so little cash..
Then i started to think of this blog, and the youtube channel.
Maybe i could earn money that way, maybe i could share my life and see if there is anyone who wanna follow my blogs.
And at the same time, maybe i could walk around all over the world to ask how people are doing, post this on youtube and hopefully decrease the racism abit!
If people only saw with their own eyes, without the media, how people are accualy doing around the world, maybe it would open up the heart of people who have missunderstood them.
Is it possible?
For me to fight racism and travel around doing what i want AT THE SAME TIME as i could generate money?
Now that would be a job i WANTED to work with!
So yeah, here i am, sitting and writing this to let you know why i do this, and who i am.
Im abit scared now tho... the reality of what im about to do is starting to grow in me...
What if i fail because i get ebola and die?
What if i fail because someone robs me, and stabs me while i try to fight back?
What if i fail because my money runs out and i starv to death?
What if i succed and find a reason to life???
I rather live 1-12 month out there, trying to catch a distant dream, then staying here for 50-70 years without having one..
Thats my story from age 0-26.
Now lets make 26-X realy awesome :)!
I love you all!!
Du lärde dig att leva under rädsla konstant, rädslan att din mamma skulle dö när som helst. Till slut kände du dig bara trygg när du va rädd.
Bli inte för fast vid någon, innan de negativa kommer. För det klarar du inte av. Och de kan dö, vilket betyder att man ska vårda dom man vill va med under tiden man lever. OSV!